2/8/11

See there, the Grackle

See there, the grackle
with its golden eye fixed tight
upon your delicious own?
See the scratching claws?
See the razor beak?
But most of all see the plumage.
They've made feathers out of inkwells.
Made down and flight out of blackest night.
They've taken sticky liquid fright and made it into a bird,
smooth and slick and powerful enough
to shrug off gravity itself.
See it slip between wind drafts
like a thief through louvers.
It is a thing of beauty
if you can brave staring into its golden eyes
while it stares into your delicious own.

See there the grackle.
See it rest on the perch above your head
too far to touch but too close not to be frightening.
See it puff to a size three times its own.
See it raise feathers along its everything,
along its very being.,
See its golden eye gleam brighter
and more darkly all at once,
see it seeing somewhere deeper
into its very own soul,
into that black pit that only black things see into.
See what mammals know as rage
written on both rigidly held wings.
See wrath spelled out on splayed tail feathers,
see the promise of vengeance for every hatchling
falling its nest before its time
from every public park tree you quietly watched them chop down.
See it open its jaws and reach down into itself
letting out a sound that danced on that line
halfway between funeral wail and battle cry.

Now see the grackle smooth itself.
See it make itself into an oil slick
resting carelessly on water.
See each feather go back in place
like children after curfew.
See it shrink, three times, to its own size
and see its eyes dull
to something more like a living thing
and less like something set afire.
Most importantly, see it forget,
as if it could never harm a soul.
As if the entire second stanza
has been just a cruel human work of fiction.
As if it could not possibly be capable
of feeling such rage.
See the outburst and the aftermath,
as if you were watching two different creatures.
Now see the sweet grackle turn to you.
And flex its dainty talons.

And when my son asks me
what we'll eat while in the forest
I'll show him the trees and their leaves and bark,
how to spot it at a glance and know good plants from bad.
And when my son asks me about women,
we'll talk about the birds and the bees.
This is how I see it.
He'll ask me questions too big for classrooms
and I'll point him to nature,
where all the answers present themselves to us
like open books.
And when my son asks me where his people are;
when he points to pictures older than I am and asks
where are all the dark, smiling faces
who used to drink cashew wine at parties
and make music with their own hands
and the things men throw away,
and where are all the people
who used to brukdown and bram,
the ones he's heard stories of,
the ones he reads of in his atlas.

I'll say: Look, son.  See the Grackle.
Really see it, beautiful and horrible as it is.
See its blue, brown, black plumage,
See its golden eye sizing up your delicious own.
See its rigid wings.
See its splayed tail.
See its sudden gentility.
Now see yourself.

If the grackle knew how
our mouths have been shaped as little children
and how they reached in past our gullets
so that we said the word the same way that we vomit.
Black.  We still say it like vomiting.
Like calling someone Black was the same as
leaving sick all over their shirts.

If grackles knew how much we hated their blackness,
they would lighten their feathers to grey. 
They would practice to sing the songs of other birds
in voices and accents that don't quite fit the strict patterns of Kiskadees,
but they would persist, painfully. 
Painful for everyone listening but none would be harmed more
than the grackles themselves. 
They would destroy that thing that made them grackles,
and instead they would be simple-minded mockingbirds. 

If grackles knew how frightening they were
they'd never smooth their feathers,
but wear them raggamuffin rugged
They'd fly only in threatening dives
and steal food from your mouths
and your children's mouths
the same way they do other grackles.
That's right, not even other birds would be safe.

And if grackles knew how frightening they were
perhaps they'd spend all their time
dipping into that pit in their gut
and acting only from their rage.
And perhaps then they'd be hunted, killed and caged.
Just like us.

2/7/11

Against the Light - Part 4

"Carl, I'm cold." She said in a tone that was nothing but fed up, and added a final sounding "Lets go home."
"Home?  But we just got out here."
"Yes, and had I known it would be this cold we wouldn't be here at all!"
"Aw Marie--"
"Oh Carl!  You can't even see!  Jesus!  There!  I've said it!"

She'd said it.  After months of dancing around the subject, months of flaring her nose and knitting her eyebrows at him, just to see if he would react.  When he bumped into the kitchen table for the fifth time in a row she'd pretended not to hear it from the next room.  When he came down the stairs one morning she told him that she didn't like the color of the t-shit he was wearing, that he should go change it.  She hadn't said anything about it being inside out.  And she would have told him off about giving all that change to that mediocre subway musician with the missing teeth.  She would have scolded his ear off from central Park to East Greenwich.  But he missed the guitar case.  And despite the satisfied smile he wore Marie felt his embarrassment.  Felt it at her own.  She could see it in his eyes.  At the very least they were still good for that.  Still wonderful windows for looking in through, is what she began telling herself when her kind, purposeful ignorance began wearing thin and the urban path-finding grew more tedious.  It lingered at the back of her mind but popped forward every so often, threatening to make its way down her throat and out her mouth but she refused to say it; to make any mention of it, as a kindness to him somehow.  To protect his pride and his dignity.  But now she was saying it, and he was suddenly aware of how long she hadn't said it.

"What is this?  What are you saying to me?"
"I'm saying this is pointless.  You're blind!  Lets go home."
"So I should give up then?  I can still see, Marie.  Shapes and colors maybe but I can still see."
"But Carl--"
"And while I'm ion New York I plan to see New York!"
"Carl you're blind!"
"Listen to you!  Listen to yourself!  If you've been holding this in for so long you might as well say what you really want to say; That I'm dying."

Marie said nothing.

"I'm dying, Marie.  There, now I've said it.  I've said what you're really afraid of.  I've acknowledged its existence, are you happy now?  The worlds still spinning!  The City's still Spinning around us!"
"Goddamnit Carl!" Marie seethed at the spectacle they'd now become.  Tourists were turning to them now, distracted away from the myriad lights to the old man waving his hands and shouting, but Carl just kept going.

"It hasn't changed a thing!  I've been dying all this while and it certainly won't make the ending any more pleasant if we pretend to be surprised when it comes!"
"Well you could bloody well act like it!"  She screamed back suddenly and Carl bellowed back a moan of frustration.  They were both shouting now, in Times Square.
"Act like what?  What the hell for?"
"Act like a dying man, for God sakes.  If not for mine then at least for your own dignity!"
"Dignity?  DIGNITY!"  Carl was throwing his hands in the air in mock resignation and in a sudden flash of a camera bulb he nearly lost sight of the grey, black and tan shape that was Marie, who had her hands on her cheeks in both dismay and as relief from the cold.

"I'm dy-ing, Marie!" Carl said, as if speaking to a child.  "Its one of those progressive verbs, It'll take a little while.  I aint dead yet so what's the use of turning in and burying myself?  Whats so dignified about that?"

And then, after forty years of letting his wife have the last word in any argument, Carl decided that this was the perfect time to storm off.  This, he hoped, would be his last chance to walk out on top, and so he did.  Marie called out to his back after he turned and started walking.  Carl pretended he couldn't hear her.  He pretended her shout of Carl, where are you going was distorted by some German tourist making impressed noises too close to his ear to be polite.  He pretended his wifes pleading of 'Carl, be careful' was blasted away by the horn of a yellow cab.  And when he heard her shouting 'Carl, you have to wait for the light!' he did his best not to let her see him flinch or see his shoulders tighten.  "No one waits for the damn light."  He muttered angrily and, emboldened by his own indignance, he stepped out into traffic.  Horns blasted.  Tires screeched.  Onlookers screamed.  The sound of the sudden bang made Marie's heart stop.  Miraculously, the vehicle hadn't struck Carl, but the other way arround.  Carl had slammed both fists into the blue and white bonnet just as it stopped about eight inches from clipping him at the knees, and for good measure he added a practiced "Ey!  I'm walkin' here!"

All his anger and bravery disappeared in an instant.  The blue and white shape of the bonnet suddenly gleamed red, then white, then red again, and Carl was suddenly aware of the swirling lights hovering just above the vehicle, and two darkly dressed men stepping out. 


Written in a weak hand

The following takes up two journal pages as its written mostly perpendicular to the page lines, in pencil, in a weak hand.
  • I wanted to see if writing hurts less than talking + it does
  • Want a whites
  • If you can find straws
  • Why did you all allow _____ to be the first thing I saw when I woke up
  • Later I want u to look and describe the scar to me
  • I still want gatorade + credit
  • straws
  • money is in purse want $60
  • print
  • my spine hurts too
  • Body causes fever in reaction to injury
There's something here.  Something that I can't put into words and probably can't express to anyone.  These pages are special to me.  Writing them down doesn't do it justice.

Site Meter